Are MEN putting effort in the bedroom….

Dear Maurice,

I follow your blog whenever I can and I could not resist to ask you after reading the story about the guy who has issues with his penis. Do you find that Kenyan men are under performing in the bedroom. I just feel from my past experience that a lot of men talk big and deliver very little. Personally I love sex but it must be with a man who knows how to read a woman’s body, in this case my body which is different from other women, I find that many men are in such a hurry to please that they end up pleasing only themselves and leaving women like me yearning for more.

I have dated a guy who had a massive penis and yet with all that equipment he never really did it for me, yes I could feel him way inside me but the thrill was short lived when he came too fast, as in, within a few minutes he was done and asleep, that really put me off him and you can imagine that I had to put up with that sexual status for over 2 years. Eventually I cheated on him with a white guy. I guess this is where the comparison came to play. The white guy was no where near my ex in penis size but boy did he quickly learn to please me. He was not afraid to be creative and please me with other parts of his body apart from just having intercourse. He would go down on me for what seemed to be a life time, he willingly took his time, by the time we had intercourse I would have had an orgasm or two through cunnilingus. In short, he knew how to fire me up. I hate to put you on the spot but why do you Kenyan men not put in effort to please us women?

Maurice replies,

Unfortunately this is a question this is too often asked, some lazy guys out there are making others look bad, I call them the weakest link. I’m glad you ask because we need to face the facts that quite a number of Kenyan men need to step up their game. That said some no matter what they try will never be able to improve in bed, why? their genetic sexual build up does not allow for improvement. There is no magical pill that will enhance the sexuality of a 2 minute man, maybe in the future science will offer a solution but for now its trial and error for you ladies.

Relating is your experience with the white guy, well not to generalise but men from the Western World tend to be more exposed, with that exposure comes the creative mind set in the bedroom, they have a keen willingness to satisfy a woman with multiple skill sets, the use of ‘touch’ either by using their fingers, their tongue and they explore sexual positions that will hit your arousal spot(s). They understand that sex is a journey, there must be a build up that will lead to a satisfying sexual session for both of you.

The short falls of African men is either lack of exposure, misinformed about pleasuring a woman; this is where ‘out dated’ cultural or traditional believes prevent a man from exploring. Double standards are witnessed with a man demanding for oral sex and yet he refuses to go down on you (what a shame), eventually someone else does it for him. Others do not see the point of having a sexual session that lasts for an hour or more, they are content with 10 to 15 minutes (if you are lucky), and the truth is that time period for a lot of women in today’s World is just the beginning of foreplay.

Sex is not plug and play but unfortunately a lot of African men will treat it as such. An African man will ask…. if he was able to ‘cum’ within 10 minutes then why is the woman not able to do the same? It’s not a stupid question but in my opinion it shows a lack of willingness to find out what a particular woman wants during sex.

Women differ when it comes to arousal zones, hence why its essential to find out how she wants to be aroused, clever men or should I say ‘wise men’ who end up earning themselves bedroom bonga points more often than not are eager to LEARN.

As a man if you are willing to take every sexual session with your woman as a learning process then you will be well above other men, why? because you are able to read her body language, some women orgasm through external arousal, stimulation of the clitoris, and whether you are using your fingers or tongue MEN please remember to take your time to observe how she rides the tidal waves you are generating. Like a vessel at sea your woman will want to ride out the stormy waves and be steered in the right direction, if you read her right you will lead her along the passage of climax. That should be every man’s goal.

The scary fact for some men in today’s World is that sex has grown into a ‘sport’, it’s an arena where only the sexual Gladiators reign. These are the men who are not selfish between the sheets, men with sexual endurance. These men are open to exploring a woman’s body for as long as it takes to get her fully aroused, their mental focus is not on self gratification but solely on applying their energy on a woman and ‘taking her there’ beyond the realms of ordinary pleasure.

*To MEN…. we were not born with a vagina so it’s only logical to ask a woman how she likes it, don’t assume and don’t let your male ego stand in the way of LEARNING how to ignite your woman, with knowledge comes the ability to apply your skill.

Take note, those who hesitate will masturbate.

You knew who you married or did you!

Dear Maurice,

I have a problem that I need your advice on. I am 43, my husband is 47 and we have been married for 6 years but I have known my husband for 18 years and 4 months. I can say we have had our trials and tribulations over the years but we have always found a way to stay together and to keep the marriage going for better or worse.

Maurice replies,

What is the problem?

She replies,

For the last 3 years my husband has been jokingly hinting that he would marry another wife traditionally if I allowed it. My response has always been the same “over my dead body” then he just laughs. Unfortunately what was once passing as jokes and comments might be coming to reality. Last month we traveled upcountry for what I thought was a family gathering but it ended up being a blessing ceremony for my husband to receive a new bride. I was shocked, the turn out was so overwhelming. I knew protesting was going to be futile so I waited for our return to confront him about the unannounced ceremony of which he knew I would be against. He told me if I was unhappy about it I should think of leaving because he was destined to marry again and maintaining 2 wives is not an issue.

Maurice replies,

I am a bit curious; after 18 years of knowing him, did he never mention the possibility of marrying multiple wives especially before you were wed? I am just trying to establish a character pattern.

She replies,

Well, my husband was married before.

Maurice asks,

Were you just friends while he was married or was there more, and for how long was he married?

She replies,

He was married to a friend of a friend for just over 4 years, that is how we met and fell for each other but instead of marrying me he married his ex wife but I always knew he would end up as my husband. In my eyes he went through a phase and it ended. However I was not expecting him to want another wife. He is my soul mate and I can’t foresee sharing him with another woman. Please help me convince him that I am all he needs in his life. I know I sound desperate but then again may be I am. How do I get him to see sense?

Maurice replies,

If I may ask, what caused his previous marriage to end?

She replies,

His ex wife found out about our affair and finally left him go and took her 3 year old child with her.

Maurice replies,

In my opinion you are ignoring your husband’s characteristics that led him to date you and marry another, and then his ex wife left him because of his adulterous lifestyle with you. I would hate to judge but I strongly believe your husband will marry again and there’s nothing we can do to stop it from occurring. Who influenced your marriage, was it you or him?

She replies,

If you are implying I forced our marriage you are totally wrong. My husband loves me and that is why he married me, as I said it was only a matter of time for him to notice that I was the woman for him.

Maurice replies,

My dear you are denial, you are married to a man who chooses to do as he pleases, maybe at the beginning you were indeed soul mates but right now your man’s actions imply that he wants to stroke his ego and manage two homes or 2 wives. Either way, you only have two options; to leave him or to play by his rules. You have already had a taste of being the other woman so only you know if you can live with the new parameters set by your husband. I wish I had better news but those are the facts that you need to consider.

Is my penis satisfying….

Hi Maurice,

I have contemplated whether to seek your advise or not and finally I decided I need to swallow my pride and just ask you some rather personal questions regarding my current sex life. I have been going out with this girl for 7 months. I am totally in-love with her. I have never dated anyone as hot as her and I find our open conversation refreshing. However the problem I am experiencing was brought about stemming from our open policy to discuss anything. About 2 months ago we were discussing our past experiences with our ex’s and the topic of sex was part of our discussion. Needless to say she revealed details of her sexual encounters that kind of made me feel inadequate.

Maurice replies,

Let me guess, penis size was mentioned?

He replies,

Yes, she told me stories about several ex’s and one stood out.

Maurice replies,

Let me guess again, one of her ex’s stood out because he had a big one? I must ask, did you pry for details?

He replies,

Yes I did but I was not expecting to hear what she told me.

Maurice replies,

You do realise that you were playing with pandora’s box. When you pry for information you must be ready to digest what you find out. I know you were hoping to hear that her sex life was not that interesting till she met you however that is the hope of many men, that hope can be futile, and the question begs why in hell would you want to know about other men’s penises?

Fair enough, its a great feeling to be told that your penis is the best she has ever had but we both know the topic of size is very ego sensitive so why did you go there knowing the consequences could lower your confidence and sexual libido?

He replies,

It was after sex and we were both in high spirits and the pillow talk just took the wrong conversation route.

Maurice replies,

My good man, I hear you, I know what you were seeking to hear from her but let’s be real, who in his right mind will strike a conversation about other penises especially after sex. I’m sure there’s a part of you as you were having your pillow talk that was just screaming out “this might back fire on me”. And surely it did. If I may ask, what did she say that really affected you?

He replies,

She told me that her ex could make her cum within minutes because he had a long thick dick. But she also said compared to me he could not have sex for long. Even though that was somewhat comforting it did not help.

Maurice replies,

Well, how could it help when all your mind was fixated on was the mention of a ‘long thick dick’ that statement in itself can bruise a lot of male egos even if she affirms that your sexual endurance is much higher. In short, men just hate to hear words that confirm a big penis that is not ours. How badly has this affected your sex life?

He replies,

I am a bit conscious of my manhood right now. I know I shouldn’t be but I can’t stop thinking about what she said.

Maurice asks,

Before your discussion your penis was adequate ‘right’, unless you felt you did not satisfy her prior?

He replies,

Yes it was, our sex was awesome, her feedback is encouraging and I do make her orgasm which as a man is the pivotal goal.

Maurice replies,

Then you need to snap out of it and stop thinking about another man’s penis, and stop thinking about yours being smaller because what you will gradually do, is lower your desire for sex till you won’t be able to gain an erection.

By the way how old are you both?

He replies,

I am 32 and she is 26.

Maurice replies,

Take a deep breathe and let go of that negative voice in your head, drown it. You know that you satisfy your woman, after all you make her orgasm (give yourself some bonga points for that) so don’t let mental images of insecurity flood your mind. Concentrate on what you can achieve with her in bed and if anything obsess more over new ways of exploring her body, learning her body, ask her to show you where her arousal zones are, discover new ways of making her orgasm and concentrate on that and that alone. The aim is to psychological intensify your sexual ego, your sexual drive to satisfy her beyond her wildest dreams, trust me, it can be done, the question is, what is your priority? Make it the right one.

 

Let hubby play at home….

Dear Maurice,

I am 41 years old with 2 kids; 12 years and 15 years. Not forgetting the biggest baby of the house my husband who is 44.

I say this because after 16 years of marriage I thought I knew my man well. I thought I had him all figured out but shock on me. For the last 11 years my husband and his friends, his boys, have been having nights out and he never lies to me about his whereabouts. I know he likes visiting strip clubs with his friends. For some odd coincidence they all have similar interests. My husband is like the youngest in the pack but he seems to call the shots when it comes to the social places they should visit. I am writing to you because I got tired of threatening my husband due to his obsession with these clubs, so I did a bit on reading online though some of the remedies did not go down well with me I eventually tried one that stated that if you give you husband the same atmosphere and freedom in your home backyard then you will not have to worry about him mingling with other women.

Maurice asks,

Oh, I can’t wait to hear what happen next, so you took him from the social arena and gave him your backyard as his playground. How did that turn out?

She replies,

When I proposed the idea, he was ok which surprised me because I thought he would fight me about his strip club obsession. I went for the idea and the next weekend from Friday to Saturday his friends came over with plenty of drinks and watched football or just sat at the garden and made noise.

Now here is my problem. I thought my man had the “hots” for strippers but clearly not as much as I suspected. For the last 4 months it’s been Friday and Saturday at our garden. I know I shouldn’t complain because my man is home and I don’t need to worry about the unknown but for how long will he and his friends have mini parties at our home.

Maurice asks,

Have you addressed this with your husband, have you told him you are uncomfortable with the current every weekend social gathering at your home?

She replies,

Maurice I am not a stupid woman. I know the minute I utter anything, they will return to their routine, plus we had a mutual agreement that once he shows me that he loves been around me even with his friends around I won’t bother him with complaints. My husband is not a bad man I just don’t like his habits.

Maurice comments,

Just to ease your mind. You may know this or you may not but majority of men who visit strip clubs only do it for the visual effect. For another percentage of men it becomes an addiction of sexual power. The power to buy a dance, and the power of paying for it. In most professional establishments there’s no bodily contact from the man, he can’t touch her it’s prohibited, for a man it’s just the visual stimulant and the ability to command as she displays her dancing styles. Then again, not all women will feel comfortable with the idea but just for your knowledge if your husband was a frequent brothel patron; now that would be an issue. Thankfully he is not. In short, most men when they fulfill their visual craving in strip clubs they finish their drink and go home. In my opinion your husband is not obsessed with other women; if he was he would not be turning your home into a weekend getaway. Question, I am assuming your greatest fear was not knowing what goes on at strip clubs?

She replies,

Yes that was my concern, so how do I fix this other matter?

Maurice replies,

You made a pact with your husband. Without saying that you think the weekend thing is excessive and you want his friends gone. The best thing is to tell him that you have something planned on either the Friday or the Saturday. You could stay indoors, go for a movie, go for a meal or drive out of town and enjoy being together. Honesty you don’t have an issue with your relationship, you just need to have a schedule and make sure it’s not too predicable. I believe your husband wants to be with you ‘till death do you part’ just balance out his bond with his friends without fighting and you will come so some agreement. Relationships are about communication, if you don’t ask or voice out you will never know what fruits may arise.

Read out of context

Dear Maurice,

I have really messed things up this time round. I have turned to my close friends for help but none are sympathetic and for a good reason.  On 3rd of this month after we had all settled down in the house my husband received a call at around 7pm and decided to continue with the conversation in a different room. I was tempted to eaves drop but I didn’t. However I did hear him say “I can’t wait” then he kind of laughed. That rose my suspicious which was related to another incident that occurred 2 weeks prior and I couldn’t ignore it. When he fell asleep I went through his phone. I did not find any flirtatious texts but I had to know what was going on so I saved the number on my phone.

Maurice asks,

Did you call the number? And what incident do you speak of?

She replies,

Yes I did but not on that night I waited till the next day then at 10am I called. As for the incident I am getting to the point where everything will clear up so be patient. A woman answered and I asked her if she knew my husband and she said yes she does. I proceeded to interrogate her about how they know each other, in what capacity and why they were having conversations at night considering she knew he was a married man. She hesitated to give me straight answers which I must admit aggravated me; I was pretty abusive and made it very clear I did not want her to have contact with my husband. She persisted to act calm and tried to convince me that there was nothing sinister between her and my husband.

Maurice asks,

Why did you not give her time to tell her story, from your description it seems you dominated the conversation?

She replies,

Maurice I was angry, paranoid and praying that my husband of 8 years was not cheating on me. I had asked her how old she is and she said she was 26, that did not help and I think we both know why? I consider myself an attractive 38 year old but like many women sometimes younger women are not usually welcome around our husband’s. Anyway, everything went south when I called again in the evening and this time a man answered. I had indulged in a few tots so I was not rational at that point. I asked him who he was and he confirmed that he was the mystery young woman’s husband. He asked what was going on because by that time I had opened a can of worms that I was to later regret. I told him everything I knew and I forwarded him about 18 texts that were between my husband and his wife. He read them and the last thing I remember was him thanking me and telling me his wife would not be bothering us again.

Maurice comments,

Please tell me that the news doesn’t get worse, I have a mental picture of the variables and they are not good.

She replies,

Maurice, my husband at around midnight called me and told me he was at a hospital tending to a friend, I asked him who it was, to my shock it was her, little did I know that she was a client who provides training services where my husband works. At the time I was making the second call on Friday night, my husband was at a product launch party, he and a few other colleagues received calls that their friend was in hospital due to domestic violence.

I dashed to the hospital where we spent a good 3 hours, she had been beaten badly and her husband had gone underground. I feel terrible, I feel weak as a woman, guilty and responsible because as we sat there waiting to see her, my husband let the cat out of the box and told me that she was actually assisting him to organize our anniversary. It hit me that my suspicion was nothing but a loving husband trying to surprise his wife.

Maurice asks,

Does your husband know about the sequence of events that led to this unfortunate incident?

She replies,

Yes I told him by the end of our hospital visit. He was very quiet in the car on our way home but I could see he was hurting. I also went quiet not wanting to spark any quarrel after all it was my fault that his friend was beaten. We woke up on Saturday, we had breakfast and he kissed me as he left the house. He had errands to perform and I went on with my day. At around 3pm I tried his phone and I couldn’t get through. By 6pm I must have called him over 40 times but his phone was off. Before midnight I received a text from him and it read “I have been a faithful husband for 8 years and after all those years you would question my loyalty to you I do not think I know you anymore”. I attempted to call him back but I guess he switch off his phone after sending the text.

It was a bad call on my part I accept. I shouldn’t have let my insecurities influence my actions. In 8 years, we have never once doubted each other nor have we had such a major fall out. Please, I can’t lose him, I am sorry and if I have to make it up to him for the rest of my life I will. How do I get him back, I know he doesn’t trust me right now?

Maurice replies,

First question, how is the woman doing, have you followed her recovery?

She replies,

She is stable, that’s all the nurse could tell me. As I said, it was pretty bad. She sustained deep cuts to her face. I have been visiting her everyday hoping to meet my husband at the hospital and tell him that I am very sorry.

Maurice replies,

Your first obvious error was to ‘seek’ because whenever you seek you will find what you want to find. However innocent a text or email may be if your mind is already set to find the worst you will for sure read things out of context. It is common with couples, hence why I do not advocate nor tolerate that behavior of scrolling through your partner’s phone.

In life if someone is yours meaning they would rather be with you than be else where, it will be evident. You never have to force anyone’s hand to be with you, that’s my motto.

In regards to the unfortunate incident, yes you played a part and that was speaking to the husband but you could not have predicted that he would react in such a brutal manner. Your husband has not ask for a divorce, he just sent you a text that reflected his feelings at the time so give him space. Sooner or later he will come home and it will be for you to ask for his forgiveness. If you can’t get through to him once he turns up let me know I might be able to help. One thing is clear, you will need to earn his trust again; you crashed it when you started snooping around. For a while he will not feel as free socially as he was before when you are together and hopefully in time if you don’t show signs of insecurity you relationship bond will prevail.

*Trust is knowing or hoping your partner will make the right choices in life.          You can never force trust in a relationship.

Gents, your tongue is a weapon of pleasure ‘use it’

Women too often complain about the man’s ability to perform cunnilingus or lets call it oral sex, ‘going down town’, personally I love my Chinese if you get my drift.

There are millions of women who are gagging for a good suck! Its time men ‘took time and interest’ to learn the vagina and the amazing things that guys (and girls) can do to it with their tongues.

If you’re not much of a vaginal vacuum and are hesitant to try oral sex because of odors or whatever other preconceived notions that you have, ensuring that she has just come out of the shower will ease your tension and you’ll be able to let loose orally. There are men who absolutely refuse to perform oral sex; I suggest you get over yourself, because your woman likes to receive oral sex as much as you like to receive a blow job.

Sensual licking, gentle sucking or all around moisture from the mouth to the vaginal entrance, the labia (lips) or the clitoris will surely make you popular with her. It is paramount that you handle the vagina with care, many men tend to mess up by moving in there like a bulldozer, stop it. When you begin to give her oral sex, it’s important to start slowly. Women like it when a man takes his time to appreciate her body. What she won’t like is an overachiever who jumps right in with an aggressive tongue, remember the bulldozer!

Pretend that her entire vagina is an cone ice-cream with multiple scoops of your favorite flavour; if you don’t like ice cream suck it like you would a lolli pop. Apply your tongue to lick her vagina from its entrance up to the clitoris. Remember to chill out and relax; her vagina is not relocating to her jaw anytime soon, so take your time, enjoy yourself and don’t get tense and end up biting her. Move your tongue freely from her inner lips to her outer labia on one side. Once you’ve done that, draw her vaginal lips into your mouth and massage them with your tongue. And since the other side will probably get jealous, move on to the other side ‘it’s only fair you tend to her entire vagina’ be generous with your tongue.

Gents, were you aware that the tongue is the body’s strongest muscle? So with that info, imagine what you could do with your tongue if you were giving her stimulating oral sex. Since you have more control with your tongue than with your penis, the sensations will drive her crazy. Not only is your tongue naturally lubricated with saliva, you can maneuver it in ways that a penis never could or ever will (unless your penis is elastic). So why not use your tongue to have sex with her? Thrust your tongue in and out of her vagina, and take a break from time to time to explore her inner walls. While you’re roaming around down there, vary your cadence (rhythmic flow) and the firmness of your tongue. Use your firm, flexed tongue for pinpoint accuracy, such as when you circle the clitoris, and use a limber, flat tongue to cover more ground. Remember to continuously return to her clitoris since most women achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation. However, don’t apply too much pressure to her clitoris right away because it may irritate her and turn her off. Start out gently and increase pressure and speed according to her reaction, her body language.

When you have her as hot as a lioness on heat, applied oral sex techniques are going to drive her wild. It is crucial that you pay attention to her reactions and body language at all times. With her clitoris still exposed, give it quick little sucks by enveloping it with your mouth momentarily and releasing it. This will definitely have a positive effect on her entire body. Next, take her clitoris into your mouth and gently suck on it while you simultaneously flick your tongue over and around it. You can perform this oral technique very lightly or aggressively, depending on what she likes, follow her instructions, ask her how she wants it. If you combine these oral sex techniques with your fingers, she is more likely to experience a mind blowing orgasm.

Gents, please remember following instructions does not mean you don’t know how to please her, that said, she is the one with a vagina so it only makes sense that you keenly follow her instructions so that over time you become the stud of licking pussy. I believe many men would love that ‘title’.

Above all, have fun down there, and keep her on her toes (or off as the case may be).

Infidelity crisis….

Dear Maurice,  

I am in a crisis, my life is a complete mess and I need your help.

Maurice asks,

What is your dilemma?

She replies,

Well, my husband has put us in a very awkward situation. Last year in October my niece who was living with us in Mombasa suddenly decided to move colleges without warning. I let it be and did not question her decision to move.

Maurice asks,

Is your niece’s moving related to your husband?

She replies,

Yes, with regret and a lot of bitterness I share with you that last month my 20 year old niece announced she was pregnant not by her boyfriend but by my husband.  My sister and her husband are now not talking to me yet we are so close. I know they are annoyed with me for not protecting their daughter but I was not aware she needed protecting from my own husband. I have tried to keep it together but this whole situation is driving me crazy but I do a good job of hiding it. We have a 6 month old baby girl so I must keep it together and try my best to maintain my sanity at least for my child.

Maurice asks,

So you decided to stay for you child’s sake or are you also still in-love with your husband despite his infidelity?

She replies,

I did think of leaving but I do still love him and at the same time I hate him for betraying me and to make it worse he performed his indiscretion with a family member. I’m I in-love with him? not at the moment.

Maurice asks,

What do you want at this point; I’m sure you have thought it through?

She replies,

I want my husband to stop ignoring the fact that my niece has accused him of forcing her into bed. I want him to stop acting as if things have not changed, and I want him to say sorry and take responsibility.

Maurice replies,

So you are still talking to each other?

She replies,

Yes we are but he refuses to discuss his fling or anything to do with our next move regarding our future. He says that he is not the father but he hasn’t denied or accepted sleeping with my niece.  My husband is a very confident proud man who is set in his ways. Every time I bring up the matter he has a way of making me feel guilty. I don’t want to believe he could do this to me but the facts are so clear in my mind otherwise why would my niece leave and make up a sensitive story that is causes friction with extended family members.

Maurice asks,

Do you want to leave you husband or do you want to save your marriage, your answer must be certain for there to be a realistic outcome?

She replies,

It is hard and every bone in my body says I should leave but my heart and feelings will not allow me to, so I want to stay but how do I overcome all and start to view my husband in a positive light?

Maurice replies,

These situations are not easy to go through. I knew you wanted to stay otherwise we would not be in dialogue and you would have left by now. These are the things you need to do if you really want to overcome your predicament. First, don’t dwell on the obvious because verbally reminding your husband everyday of his infidelity will only hurt you with mental emotions in the long run. Plus it will be counter productive to directly or indirectly punish him if mending your marriage is what you seek.  You need to be the pillar of this relationship. If you want him to say sorry you must make him feel guilty by doing all the things that he does not expect you to do, that entails being a good wife to him by telling him that you may not forgive him soon but you will support him during this period, and why are you doing this ‘because you are a better person’ you are committed to your vows unlike him. The point here is that subtle polite hints of the truth will be much more effective and in time you will find out if your man truly is sorry when it is not forced out of him. Remember do the opposite of what he expects and watch him attempt to say sorry in his own way. It will take time so please be patient. If you need further counsel you can call me or we can have a one on one session and discuss your future.